Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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