I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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