it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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