We won't sleep together?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
