it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
