I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
