I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
