you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
