i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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