Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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