you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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