you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
