I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
