Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
