I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
