I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
