Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
