I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
