I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
