Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
