Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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