I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
