btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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