I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
