Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
