Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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