Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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