wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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