You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
