Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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