Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I am one with the molecules
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
