babies were throwing up all over the place
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
