My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
