My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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