I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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