Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
