i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
