Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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