just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
