Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
