saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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