Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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