I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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