Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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