there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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