i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
