Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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