He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
