Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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