I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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