my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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