Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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